Treatment

Hey everyone, It has been awhile since I have written on here. I have been out of residential treatment as of July 26th. Right after leaving inpatient, I struggled a lot and had 3 days before starting IDP. I started IDP (the Independent Day Program) at the Emily Program on July 30th. Tomorrow I will be starting my 3rd week there. It has been a difficult transition coming from the adolescent house and having 24/7 support to going back home with less support. Following my meal plan has been difficult. I miss all my friends and the staff at the Anna Westin House- Adolescent/Young Adult. I am continuing to stay in touch with them though.
I am still struggling and some days I struggle more than others. I am starting to open up and make friends in IDP though, but working on things has been tough.

Hey everyone, so this week has been very chaotic and traumatizing for me. It started last Friday, I found out that I couldn't have any passes for that weekend and I felt really frustrated, confused and upset and meals were challenging and I ended up supplementing a lot. On Saturday in cooking group, I sliced my finger while opening a can and and had to go to the urgent care and get stitches. It was my first time getting stitches. First they checked my weight but the nurse that came with me had me stand backwards for that and had them not say the weight aloud. But when I went into the doctor's office, I saw my weight on the paper they were filling out. Before I got the stitches done, I had to get my Diphtheria, Tetanus, Pertussis (DTaP) Vaccine updated. While they were numbing my finger they gave me that vaccine but the numbing shot hurt a lot worse then the vaccine. Then when I came back my finger was really numb and sore. It was hard to eat because I found out my weight and it was hard to accept it. On Sunday I just had a rough day after finding out my weight and just felt very anxious and supplemented a lot that day. Monday morning I found out that one of my friends had passed away on Saturday and it was hard to hear that and I was just very shocked, confused, and sad. That made it even harder to eat that day. Tuesday I had a hard time dealing with everything that had happened and was having a rough day all day. Wednesday, the day before the funeral for my friend was hard with all that had happened, I had increased urges and had a tough time sleeping that night, so I didn't sleep much. Then yesterday I went to the funeral with my mom, sister, and a friend. It was hard going to the funeral and then afterwards we dropped off our friend at her house and then went somewhere to eat, it was tough to eat after that because of how I was feeling so I tried to pick something that wasn't so challenging. After we ate and were on the way to bring me back here, we were turning on the highway to make a left turn, and all of a sudden we saw a car coming and by then it was too late and it hit the driver side of the car, my mom was driving but she didn't get any serious injuries, just lots of soreness. Luckily no one was sitting behind the driver seat because that part got crushed in more so than the driver side. I was sitting in the front passenger seat and my twin sister was sitting directly behind me. The car that hit us was probably going about 50 mph. We all got pushed towards the passenger side of the car and I hit my head against the side window, everything went flying, my glasses flew off my head, my sister hit her arm and got a sore back but neither her or my mom hit their head, they just got lots of soreness. I thought I was fine, so we told them that we didn't need an ambulance. There was a witness. Both cars got totaled but the other person was fine. I came back here thinking I was fine, I was just really shaken up, traumatized, overwhelmed and had a lot of mixed emotions. My head still hurt after a couple of hours but I thought it was just a little headache, but it didn't go away and continued to get worse to the point of me feeling nauseous, really warm, it was hard to stand up and walk and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I got checked out by the nurses here and they decided that I should go to the ER. Right before that the nauseous got worse and I ended up vomiting. Once I got to the ER, I got assessed, I was there for a couple hours. They tried giving me Tylenol but I couldn't keep that down so then they gave me something to help with nausea and then they had me wait 15 minutes, try eating some crackers and drinking something and then tried giving me the Tylenol again, and I was okay then, my head started to feel better by the time I got back. They said that I have a head contusion which is basically bruising and swelling of the head and I need to just take it easy and watch for any worsening symptoms. I had to supplement dinner when I got back but they spread it out so I didn't have to do so much at once. I just feel very exhausted and have had a really rough week and will need to get some rest. Luckily there are always nurses around to make sure I'm doing alright and in 3 days I get my stitches out.

I also found out that in 2 to 3 weeks I am possibly getting discharged and going back home, but I would start doing the Intensive Day Program (IDP) which is 5 days a week and a majority of the day. So I would have to just work weekends when I start that.

Also tomorrow marks 2 months that I'd be here.

I'm hoping this week will go better for me because I've had enough bad things happening in one week. Today is Friday the 13th, and I'm hoping it won't bring more bad luck, not that I'm superstitious or anything, I just hope today is a better day for me and that I can get some rest and sleep better.

~Heather

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't written in awhile... kinda have been putting it off. Anyways, I have been in residential treatment for a month now, the 14th marked a month. This is my 5th week here and Monday marks 6 weeks. Since first arriving here, I have adjusted a lot, connected with other residents and opened up more, I still have a lot to work on though. Last weekend I got to go on pass during a meal for the first time which was sorta challenging. Tuesday we went on an outing to Build-A-Bear and I made a monkey stuffed animal, that was fun.  Meals have been a challenge but I don't think I have had to have the Boost supplement for a week or two. But since being here, I have had my meal plan increased not once but twice so far and that really frustrates me. I have to have Boost or Boost Breeze with my afternoon snack now which sucks. We have had some severe thunderstorm warnings and had to go downstairs to the Purple Room and sleep until the warning passed, the first night it was most of the night and the second night for like an hour or so at 4 in the morning, so we ended up not getting a lot of sleep for a couple days. Last Tuesday I got a new roommate, she is the same age as me and is from Michigan. I have had quite a few rough times here, my anxiety and depression have been really high at times but I got my medication increased a lot since being here. Despite the negative things going on, I have had some positives as well: I am starting to feel less depressed at times and able to enjoy myself but there are still times where I get into a down mood and feel very depressed and anxious. I have learned to try new things, crocheting, making friendship bracelets, I learned some new games (Bananagrams, the celebrity game, etc.) and I now drink coffee, and I even did some karaoke. This weekend I get to see some old friends from Buffalo and Orlando, I haven't seen them in a long time so I am excited to see them again. Feel free to email or write to me whenever and I will make sure to get back to you! ~Heather Rose

Yesterday was a long day for me, lots of appt's and I found out at my dietitian appt. that my meal plan had to get increased which just made me more anxious and frustrated. Hopefully tonight will be better for me though, we are going on an outing to the humane society tonight. It will be my first time going to a humane society and I think it will be a fun experience.

I am working on having better body image, counter-thinking negative thoughts, and having more confidence in myself as well as other things as well.

This Saturday we are having family programming during the afternoon, so hopefully all goes well with that.

hey everyone, it's now been 3 weeks since I've been in treatment... and a lot has happened in those 3 weeks. This weekend I went on a pass on Saturday with 3 other residents and went to Target and Plato's Closet, it was a lot of fun and I've been getting to know the other girls better. After my pass on Saturday, things went sorta downhill... I felt really anxious and depressed and seemed to just be stuck in that... Saturday night, I didn't sleep much at all.. then on Sunday I had a rough time at lunch and had to supplement most of it... luckily yesterday was a little bit better, still had some depression and anxiety but not as bad as this weekend, and also was really fatigue and just napped most of the day in between appt's and groups. So it was a pretty tough weekend for me, and my week was up and down, some good times but lots of tough times as well. My medication got increased again, it increased a couple weeks ago also, so hopefully that wasn't causing things to get worse. Well I will update you guys more later.

~Heather

Today was a more difficult day. I had some good parts and some bad parts to the day. The good part is that I'm connecting with the other residents more and will be spending some time on my pass with a couple of them during part of the weekend, and I got some mail from some relatives and an order from online that I bought and those helped me feel a little better, and this evening I got to see my parents for the parent night we have every week. The not so good parts about today was that lunch was challenging and I had to take Boost for some of it.. and that made me more anxious.... and I've been feeling down and anxious and overwhelmed a lot. I have been here for 2 and a half weeks now and have adjusted more each day and starting to open up more and connect with others more too, but there are usually some challenges to most days and sometimes some good times as well. I am definitely learning better ways to cope and trying to learn more about myself. I appreciate the mail, emails, and prayers people have been sending my way. I am grateful for all the support that I am getting. Thanks! Love, Heather Rose

Hey everyone, I have been in treatment for almost 2 weeks now. I have been adjusting pretty well, have had a few rough days, but also had some fun times as well.  My expected time being here is 6-10 weeks, so by the beginning to the end of July is the expected discharge date depending on how things go, could be longer if needed though. I feel like I am gaining a lot of weight and feel uncomfortable when I get full which gives me anxiety. I have been trying to learn better ways to cope with the anxiety and depression. I am also learning to figure out ways to challenge the eating disorder and working on having better body-image which is tough and will take some time. Today I got to go on a pass for the first time, I get to have three 3 hour passes today, tomorrow, and Monday. Today I went to the Mall of America with my mom and sisters. We didn't have a lot of time to shop but we went to the Disney store and Becca bought me a couple of stuffed animals and then we went to Build-A-Bear and me and Becca made a stuffed animal. I made a puppy and Becca made a bear. When I go on my passes I have to make sure I get my meal plan in, and so far I can just go on a pass during snack times, so I had to make sure I got my snack in. I have been getting to know the other residents here and they are very nice. We have played some games together which was a lot of fun. I have been writing in a journal which has helped me put my thoughts on paper. I have also talked with the EDT's which has helped. During my free time, I enjoy watching tv, playing games, listening to music, writing, coloring, painting my nails, and just hanging out. My appt's have been going alright. I am starting to feel more at home here now and have lots of support but it's hard at meals sometimes. ~Heather Rose

Hey everyone, Last night was tough for me, but I am doing a little better this morning. I had a lot of anxiety and depression last night. I am trying to keep a positive attitude about being here. A song that comes to mind is Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood, the chorus of it has a lot of meaning to it. "This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passing through This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know This is my temporary home" Tonight my parents are coming for the parent support group and then we are having dinner with our parents. There usually are some challenges each day but I'm learning how to cope with them better. The groups and appt's keep me busy and it's nice to have free time as well. ~Heather Rose

Hey everyone, I can't believe it's been a week that I've been here already! It's been challenging but I have been slowly adjusting. My first few days were tough and the meals have been a challenge. I've had lots of appt's and groups, blood draws, and EKG's. I need to get my vitals checked everyday. I am working on my meal plan which is a challenge. Friday was somewhat of a challenge. I got to see my family over the weekend. Last night I played a game with some of the residents and had a fun time with that. Today we went on an outing bowling and dinner. I had fun bowling even though I'm not very good at it, I did better on the second game though. This weekend I get to have some passes for 3 hours during snack times, just have to make sure I get my snacks in.. I am going to go to the mall on Saturday, Como Zoo on Sunday, and Monday just hanging out with my family and hopefully seeing some relatives. Been getting some anxiety and things have been tough but it's nice to be able to see my family during visiting hours friday through monday and during dinner with parents on thursday's. Love, Heather Feel free to send me mail, or email me so we can stay in touch!

Almost a week at the Emily Program- Anna Westin House-Adolescent/YA

Hey everyone, today is my 5th and a half day here at the Anna Westin House-Adolescent/Young Adult which is apart of the Emily Program. I have slowly been adjusting to things around here. There have been some challenges but also some good times as well. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and anxious about things though. The weekends consist of mostly free time. This morning we had a cooking group though and got to make lunch. Today through Monday we get visiting hours but I am just doing laundry and relaxing then and tomorrow and Monday my family is coming. I haven't seen my older brother or sister since before I left so I will enjoy being able to see them again. I am starting to learn more about myself and figuring out ways to cope with anxiety. Some days I am more homesick then others, so I would appreciate emails or mail sent to me, that way I can stay in touch with all of you! I miss you a lot!

Again here is the address you can write me at:

Anna Westin House-Adolescent, 

2230 Como Avenue, Saint Paul, MN 

55108

I try to remember that going through this will make me stronger and able to help others more

Hey everyone, I have been in treatment at the Emily Program for 4 and a half days now and a lot has gone on. Here is a link to where I am staying: http://www.emilyprogram.com/our-programs/awh/anna_westin_house_adolescent_and_young_adult_residential_program/ I've had some challenges and hard times but also some good times as well. Still getting adjusted to things around here and getting to know the other girls. The days here usually consist of different groups such as art, life skills, cooking groups on saturdays, gardening group, process group, body image, and a lot more, free time, and obviously meals which are 3 meals and 3 snacks, which some are more challenging than others. Also we have some individual appt's a few times a week, yoga twice a week, and acupuncture once a week, doctor appt's once a week, and every morning we get vitals checked. This morning we had a lot of different groups, one of them was recreational group and we got to go outside and play lawn games which helped me enjoy myself and have fun with the other residents and we also had a gardening group and got to plant some vegetables and flowers. Tonight we had a process group which was tough but I was able to open up about some things which helped with some anxiety. Later tonight we had visiting hours and my parents and twin sister, Rebecca visited. It was fun seeing them and being able to visit with them. Here is the address if you want to write to me, just make sure to address it to me :) Anna Westin House-Adolescent,  2230 Como Avenue, Saint Paul, MN  55108  I miss you all so much! If you have any questions or anything feel free to email me anytime or send me mail if you'd like as well!! ~Heather Rose

The Emily Program: Start of In-Patient Treatment

Hi, This is Rebecca (Heather's twin sister). Heather moved into the In-Patient treatment at The Emily Program on Monday, and will be there for a minimum of two months... we aren't sure exactly how long she will be there but it depends on how she does. Her first day was very tough for her, and the meals have been hard for her... it has been a lot more food than she has used to. The day after we found out that Heather was going to start in-treatment, she had an EKG and blood test done as well as other medical stuff done, and the EKG results were normal, but the blood results showed that her enzyme levels were elevated, which has to do with her liver. She is also malnourished.

Her first night was hard for her and she had trouble sleeping. She said she was having a lot of anxiety about eating and gaining weight, and she was very homesick and cried most of the night. The nurse had prescribed her some melatonin to help her sleep better. Heather had told me she has been able to sleep better for the most part. She is starting to become more adjusted and comfortable there. She has been emailing me each day and so have I. I'm going to visit her tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday.

Heather asked me to share some updates she has sent me via email. Here is an update from yesterday:

Hey everyone, today is my 2nd full day in treatment at the Emily Program. I am staying at the Anna Westin House- Adolescent/Young Adult (AWHA/YA) residential program at the Emily Program. The website is emilyprogram.com and you can write to me if you'd like. The address is listed under the section about the AWHA/YA on the website and also under the locations, the como avenue one in St. Paul and the location for adolescents is what the address is. Just address it to me and write Anna Westin House- Adolescent with the address underneath. I came here on Monday afternoon so I was here for half of Monday. I've been here for 2 and a half days. The first night was really rough, I couldn't sleep and cried throughout the night, it was a hard adjustment to get used to. Yesterday was my first full day here and I was here for all the meals and snacks which was quite challenging, morning snack and lunch especially. Then I had gotten lab tests done again, blood tests, EKG, physical and probably getting lab tests again tomorrow. I get my vitals checked twice a day. We have groups and individual appt's during the day and some free time as well. Yesterday we had yoga which is twice a week and today I got to do acupuncture during one of the individual appts, I had never done that before and it was a different experience but it didn't hurt and was actually relaxing. We also had a group art therapy and it was a fun group. Tomorrow we have dinner with our parents and then a multi-family group with all the other families. Friday, we have a gardening group and get to plant some things. and this weekend I get to see my siblings and family during visiting hours, which I can't wait til because I miss them so much!

Heather got blood drawn on Tuesday as well as an EKG. She said the EKG results were normal, but she had to get blood drawn again today. She had yoga the first day and said it was kind of weird. She did acupuncture yesterday and said that was alright and that she couldn't really feel the needles and that it was actually quite relaxing. She said her roommate is very nice, and she is starting to get to know the other girls as well. She had a book club yesterday and said they are reading a book called "Life Without Ed". She said they have individual appointments and groups. They have appointments with the doctor once a week, and they see a therapist a few times a week, as well as psychiatrist and dietitian and other appointments. They have an art group and Heather really enjoys that group. They have free time each day, and Heather has a little extra free time as well as the other young adults while the school-age ones are in class there. She spends her free time online and emailing, as well as coloring, and they can also watch tv, netflix, listen to Pandora, and just hang out. They also have things they do together as a group during free time as well. Each Tuesday they have an outing and dinner. She didn't get to attend the first one, because they have them stay back the first week. On Thursdays they have Parent Groups and a dinner with their parents and then have activities with the residents and their parents afterwards. On weekends she gets to have visitors, and this weekend my family and I are visiting her. I have been continuing to email her multiple times a day and she has been emailing me as well and giving updates. I will try to update her blog for her with updates on how she is doing. I am also updating her Facebook for her on her account as well as occasionally putting updates on my own Facebook, too.

I'm proud of Heather for accepting help and being brave. I can only imagine how hard this may be for her, and I know she can overcome this. It may not be an easy journey but I believe in her that she is able to fight the eating disorder and overcome it. The Emily Program is such a great program and I'm very thankful that she is getting lots of help and support there. They will and are taking good care of her and it will be a great experience for her. She is in a good place where they will give her the right help, and make sure she is healthy and gets healthier. Please keep Heather in your prayers during this time, as well as myself and my family. We are having a tough time without her and miss her SO much!

big changes ahead

Lots has happened this past week.
Last Sunday, May 6th I ended up in the ER. I had been feeling depressed more and was thinking and planning on overdosing on my meds and also some other pills. I was in the ER for a couple of hours until around midnight and didn't get home until 1 in the morning.
On Tuesday, I went to my appts at the Emily Program and met with my therapist that I had seen a couple of times there. Her and my parents both agreed that the residential inpatient program would be most beneficial to me. I also think that program would be more helpful. My therapist checked to see if our insurance would cover it and it does 100% so then I met with the Intake & Admissions Coordinator at the Anna Westin House-Adolescent/Young Adult, had the program explained to me and got a tour. She said I would most likely be able to get in by Monday, the 14th. I am sorta nervous about going into this but know that it is for the best so I can get better. I then had an appt. made to see the doctor there to get lab tests done the next day. And lastly saw my dietitian there.
On Wednesday, I met with the doctor at the Emily Program and got a physical exam, EKG, and blood work done as well as answered questions she had for me.
The results to my lab tests came yesterday and everything went okay except for the enzyme levels in my liver were elevated which they were concerned about but said they would be able to closely monitor that and that it is probably because I am malnourished.
And now they are just waiting to hear back from the insurance, and will get back to me soon about that.

Nervous & Overwhelmed

So... tough changes are ahead.
On Monday I went to see my dietitian at the Emily Program and she took my weight right away and seemed concerned. She said that I was back to where I was 2 months ago when I first came there and I haven't really progressed or gained any weight since then. The meal plans weren't really working out or helping any and she said that I am underweight and malnourished. So she recommended that I have a higher level of care, such as intensive outpatient, the adolescent intensive day program, or inpatient if I need a higher level of care. She recommended the intensive day program over the intensive outpatient because she thinks that the day program would be more beneficial for me since it meets more and is 5 days a week, 7hrs a day, includes meals and therapy, group therapy and other things to help more. So I will probably start out with the intensive day program and from there they will assess how I am doing each week and if I would need a higher level of care such as inpatient.
Either one would be a big change and will be tough but I know I need the help even though I feel like my body is fine at the weight I'm at but if I keep going down this path, then it won't be good.
The depression is pretty much the same still, some days are a lot worse though.
I will need the courage and strength to fight through this and be more open about it so that I can get the help I need. So if you could pray for me, that would be much appreciated cuz I'm just really nervous and overwhelmed about it.
Thanks!

to be honest...

Things haven't been easy to be honest. About 3 weeks ago, I got my med changed to a different one. The depression still hasn't seemed to be getting better though. I have been thinking about life a lot lately. Like, if I wasn't here would it even matter? I don't really want to die, just to numb the pain I feel. I haven't attempted suicide or anything, but I have thought of overdosing or something to numb the pain. I admit I have taken more pills than the bottle says to but not of my prescription pills, I've thought of doing that though. I didn't take so many that anything happened though, but I don't know if that will happen if I try that again. I haven't cut for 3 weeks. I have had the urge to but so far haven't gone back to that.
I am continuing to see my therapist for the depression, and just started seeing a therapist at the Emily Program as well as continuing to see the dietitian there. I wasn't really following through with the meal plan before so we starting to just focus on lunches more and planning lunches for the week. Today I tried it out but it seemed like too much so I didn't eat all of it. It just gives me anxiety and I feel like I will gain a bunch of weight since it's more than I'm used to eating. Also I am sorta fearful of gaining weight and would much rather lose a few pounds. I haven't really had any significant health issues so I don't see why my weight is a big deal to everyone. I feel like I'd be fine if I lost a few more pounds.
Things just feel so hopeless most of the time. It doesn't seem like things are even progressing.

Tough Week

This past week has been a little more difficult for me. It's been a struggle with the eating and also feeling more depressed. I went to the doctor on Thursday, got my med changed to a different one, so maybe that will make a difference, but not sure. There are a few things that have gone downhill with the eating and the depression. Just trying to take things day by day which isn't always easy because it's a lot to deal with and has been overwhelming.
Well that's all for now, I will continue to update.

Waiting Game..

So for now I'm just playing the waiting game.. Not sure what will happen next. Within the next week, I will be going to the doc to see if I can get my med changed or adjust the dosage. And about the eating... hasn't exactly gotten better.. I mean I still eat, but usually not much and when I do eat more, I feel guilty and worry about gaining weight. I sorta have an ideal weight that I'd like. I guess I just don't feel like I need to gain weight, it's hard to explain, but if I gain a few pounds, I sorta get disappointed. Hopefully I can benefit more from The Emily Program and get into something that would be more helpful. It will for sure be a lot of hard work though and take awhile to get used to and change my mindset, and if it doesn't help, I don't know what will. The depression seems to be at the same point still, feeling down most of the time. It sorta helps a little to be around friends, but I still am having negative thoughts and feeling down. It's just a long process and a lot to take in and get used to. Change will be hard though.. it's not going to be easy. Doesn't seem like I've made much progress yet... yeah, I've seen the doctor, a dietitian and then a different dietitian at the emily program and also been seeing my therapist. But the med doesn't seem to be making much of a difference at all, and the dietitian doesn't seem to be making a difference either. So, just waiting right now and seeing what will happen and what will change and how things will go from there.

My story from the beginning

I have been trying to battle depression on my own since I first noticed feeling more down last Spring in 2011, I also started struggling with self-image and eating around that time too. I would eat less, and started losing weight. I didn't think it was a big deal because it was gradual weight loss but I thought that once it got below a certain point, that I would get help, but once it got below that point, I thought it was fine because I still felt healthy enough. I felt like I was a little fat and could still lose more weight even though I was underweight already.
Throughout this all, only a couple close friends knew what was going on, and also my former small group leader from church. The depression continued to get worse and towards the end of December, I started cutting for the first time. A friend of mine was worried about me and didn't want me to go down the same path that she previously had, so she got my mom's phone number and called her to tell her about the cutting. Before she had called her, I tried giving any excuse for her to change her mind, I said that I didn't think I would cut again, that my parents would freak out and be mad, that they wouldn't understand, etc. I was really upset and scared about how my parents would react, but later I started to realize that she told them because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me, and I found out that my parents weren't actually mad, they seemed more concerned and caring. But they didn't know the whole story, they didn't know about the depressive feelings, weight loss, and eating struggles that I had been hiding from them for around 7 months at the time. So, I went to my former small group leader for advice. She is a dietitian and works with people who have eating disorders almost everyday so she was able to help me understand that aspect a little bit. She strongly recommended that I tell my parents what else was going on, but I was still sorta in overwhelmed and nervous about them finding out about the cutting, it's a hard subject to talk about, especially to my parents because I have been hiding it from them for so long and I was scared of how they'd react and of disappointing them, also I was scared of getting help because I didn't know what to expect or if anything would even help. So, I gave her my mom's number and we agreed for her to call my mom the next day when I would be at work, to make it less nerve-racking since I wouldn't be there when my mom found out. She really helped my mom understand what was going on more and I found that my mom wanted to help, I was just nervous to get help.
I started to cut again 2 more times. A few weeks later, I found out that my parents had scheduled me to see a Christian therapist. I was super nervous at first. I first met with my therapist in mid-January. The first appointment, I filled out questionnaires about the depression and then I met with my therapist, I was able to be open with her and although I was scared to tell her, I told her about the cutting, and feeling down a lot, and eating less. She asked me questions about that and I answered them honestly.
I have been seeing my therapist weekly, and towards the end of January, she recommended that I see a doctor to see how things are going. A few close friends had also recommended that I see a doctor, but I was nervous. I talked to a few close friends about that and they urged me to see a doctor also, so that day I texted my mom while she was at work and told her that my therapist thought I should see a doctor, and she agreed and made an appt. for me. I was nervous about how it would go. When I went, they took my weight and the doctor said that she was very concerned about my weight because it was low. I was diagnosed with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that. She also referred me to see the dietitian at my clinic for help with the eating and weight. A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian there, she made a meal plan for me but I wasn't able to follow it because it seemed like too much and I was afraid of gaining weight. Within a week, I started cutting again. I told my therapist and since my parents didn't know, she had to tell them even though I'm 19 years old, for safety reason and because she was concerned. We talked about the eating struggles and how I don't want to gain weight, etc. She thought that I had a pretty intense eating disorder. A few of my close friends also thought I had an eating disorder. But I still didn't think it was a problem, or maybe I was just in denial. She told my parents about a treatment program for eating disorders called the Emily Program and gave a referral for me to go there. Later that week, I went there and did an assessment, then the following week I went back and got a treatment plan. They are letting me stay with my current therapist and continue seeing her once a week instead of having a new therapist at the Emily Program. They also are having me meet with a dietitian at the program once a week and also continue to see my doctor for the meds. The dietitian had set up a meal plan for me similar to the one that the last dietitian at my clinic had me try, but I found that I couldn't really follow the meal plan though, it seemed like too much, and when I gained a couple pounds even, I would get upset and just want to lose it again. This past week the depression got worse, I started cutting again 2 days in a row, I felt fat, I was overwhelmed and having negative thoughts. I saw my dietitian again yesterday and told her that I felt like the meal plan was too much at once and she is having me try out the meal plan for just one of the meals for at least 3 days this week, so I'll see how that goes. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my therapist and I'll be discussing what happened this week. Not sure what will happen after that since I started cutting again and more. Hopefully the treatment with the eating disorder will work out better, I might need to go into one of the more intensive programs. Just nervous about how things will go..
If it weren't for those close friends, I don't know where I'd be right now, honestly I don't think I'd be getting help if it weren't for them.

A turn for the worst

Well, this past week sure has been rough. I had a relapse with the cutting, and this time was kinda worse than the past times, and also happened a couple days in a row. It's a constant struggle, trying to resist the urge.

The depression started to get worse and I was constantly feeling down most of the time, also felt sorta fat, overwhelmed, and was having negative thoughts.
I'm not sure if the appt's at the Emily Program are helping much at least the treatment plan that I have there. I am currently just seeing a dietitian there once a week. They made a meal plan for me but it was too hard for me to follow and just seemed like to much. Since that didn't work, she is having me focus on the meal plan for just one meal and try to stick to that for at least 3 days this week. And if that doesn't work still, maybe try to check into the more intensive treatment programs that they have to offer there. Because I really don't think just changing my eating habits will change my whole mindset or get rid of the eating disorder because if I gain just a little bit of weight, it makes me feel overwhelmed and just want to lose it. I know that this is sort of a problem but for some reason I don't feel like it's that much of a problem because I feel like even though I'm underweight, I still feel healthy enough, and it doesn't seem severe to me. It's hard for me to know that I have an eating disorder or a problem because when I think of girls with eating disorder, I think of girls that are a lot thinner, I don't even feel very thin, even though others may disagree. I feel like I'm not thin enough, I guess, like that I could lose a few more pounds and still be fine.

I find that I can really relate to this part of the lyrics to the song Cut, by Plumb:

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut 

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

Struggling

I feel so uncertain. I don't even know if I can continue to do this anymore. It seems like nothing will help anyways. I'm feeling more and more hopeless.
The dietitian I am seeing at the Emily Program made a meal plan for me but it's hard to stick to it, I fear gaining weight. I feel fine at my weight, maybe just lose a little more.. I don't really see it as a problem anyways. Everyday it seems like the depression doesn't get any better, even with the meds. I just feel miserable most of the time, it's a horrible feeling. I can't take it anymore, I just wish it would all end. I don't know what my family thinks about all this, or what they know. We don't really discuss it much, all I know is that my parents know but not sure what or if my siblings know. I feel like people would just treat me different or look at me differently if they knew everything that has been going on.
There are days where I wish I wasn't me, if I wasn't here, would anyone even care?

:(

Well... honestly, I'm not doing too well right now. It's been a tough week. I've been feeling more depressed each day. Everyday has been a struggle. I am losing hope and lacking faith. I don't know how much longer I can go on, I can't keep pretending I'm okay because I'm not. Treatment for the eating disorder doesn't seem like it will work, I don't think I can do it. I don't feel like I'm progressing at all. I just want to give up, but I know I shouldn't... it just doesn't seem like anything is getting better though and when things do get a little better, things just start to get worse again, it never actually gets better.

Updates

Hey, I've decided to blog about my journey and things going on. I'll try to keep this updated.
A lot has happened in the past few months...
So, I have been feeling depressed since last spring of 2011 and I thought I could deal with it all on my own and didn't need help, I also started to eat less and started losing weight. Around November/December it started to get worse.
But it was gradual so I thought it was fine. Well, I guess I was wrong. The depression got worse and so did the weight loss, eating became a struggle and still is. Towards the end of December, I started to cut.
There were a few close friends in whom I confided in about what was going on and how I was feeling, one in particular that was there since the beginning of it all. I never thought it would come to cutting but it did and I told one of my friends about it and she was concerned enough to let my mom know what had happened. At first I was upset but then I realized that she only did that because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me. But my parents still didn't know what else was going on, with the depression and eating less/losing weight. But it wasn't long until they found out what was going on from another friend. My first thoughts were that they wouldn't understand and would be upset or something, but they didn't act like they were upset. I wasn't sure if they understood though and still am not sure.
If I said that I stopped cutting after that, that would be a lie, because I have, but then I started going to a Christian therapist and things got a little bit better but slowly. It took awhile to feel comfortable going into therapy and I still am getting used to it, but I try to be as open as I can.
Numerous people, close friends, and my therapist, strongly recommended that I see a doctor to see if I'm healthy and if things are alright or not. I hesistated going but I asked my mom about going to see a doctor and she made an appointment for me. I was nervous about going but I knew it was something I should do.
The appointment consisted of lots of questions and getting my height/weight checked. My doctor said she was concerned about my weight and recommended that I see the dietitian at the clinic. She also diagnosed me with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that.
A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian, who went over a meal plan for me and mentioned that if things got worse or if this didn't work out that I should check out the Emily Program, a treatment program for eating disorders, which my doctor, a couple friends, and my therapist, also mentioned.
A couple weeks ago, I went back to cutting again. I was also feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on, all the appointments, with eating, and also feeling more depressed. My therapist then gave me a refferal to the Emily Program. A few days later, I went to the Emily Program, and did an assessment. Then I went back the following week to meet with a therapist there to go over my assessment and figure out a treatment plan. They decided that I should stay with my current therapist and start out by seeing a dietitian at the Emily program weekly and if that doesn't work out good, then they will change my treatment plan to help me better. Last Monday, I met with the dietitian there and I made sure I was as open and honest with her as I could be, so that she could help me. I'm not sure if I will need more than that to help me get better, but I'll see how this goes and if I need more treatment then I'm hoping that goes well, but to be honest, I'm pretty nervous about this whole process, not sure how it will go, if it will work, and sorta hesitant about it overall.
My next appointment with the dietitian is on Monday, and on Tuesday I am meeting with my therapist.
Everyday is just a struggle though, with eating, feeling depressed, etc. I'm not even sure what my family thinks or knows about what's going on. I haven't told any of my siblings, but I'm sure they've noticed a change. My parents know but we don't really talk about it much, so I'm not sure if they understand much.
It's hard because I don't feel like I have an eating disorder, but I do. I don't eat a lot, I'm underweight but I feel like it's fine because I don't have serious health problems, or I feel like it's not as bad as some people's so I think it's fine.
I have been struggling in my faith throughout all of this, as things gradually got worse, my faith gradually weakened.
I don't know how long it will take to overcome this, or if I will ever actually overcome this. I know this can be a lifelong battle though.
Well, that's all for now... I'll try to keep this updated.