A turn for the worst

Well, this past week sure has been rough. I had a relapse with the cutting, and this time was kinda worse than the past times, and also happened a couple days in a row. It's a constant struggle, trying to resist the urge.

The depression started to get worse and I was constantly feeling down most of the time, also felt sorta fat, overwhelmed, and was having negative thoughts.
I'm not sure if the appt's at the Emily Program are helping much at least the treatment plan that I have there. I am currently just seeing a dietitian there once a week. They made a meal plan for me but it was too hard for me to follow and just seemed like to much. Since that didn't work, she is having me focus on the meal plan for just one meal and try to stick to that for at least 3 days this week. And if that doesn't work still, maybe try to check into the more intensive treatment programs that they have to offer there. Because I really don't think just changing my eating habits will change my whole mindset or get rid of the eating disorder because if I gain just a little bit of weight, it makes me feel overwhelmed and just want to lose it. I know that this is sort of a problem but for some reason I don't feel like it's that much of a problem because I feel like even though I'm underweight, I still feel healthy enough, and it doesn't seem severe to me. It's hard for me to know that I have an eating disorder or a problem because when I think of girls with eating disorder, I think of girls that are a lot thinner, I don't even feel very thin, even though others may disagree. I feel like I'm not thin enough, I guess, like that I could lose a few more pounds and still be fine.

I find that I can really relate to this part of the lyrics to the song Cut, by Plumb:

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut 

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside