Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Waiting Game..
So for now I'm just playing the waiting game.. Not sure what will happen next. Within the next week, I will be going to the doc to see if I can get my med changed or adjust the dosage. And about the eating... hasn't exactly gotten better.. I mean I still eat, but usually not much and when I do eat more, I feel guilty and worry about gaining weight. I sorta have an ideal weight that I'd like. I guess I just don't feel like I need to gain weight, it's hard to explain, but if I gain a few pounds, I sorta get disappointed. Hopefully I can benefit more from The Emily Program and get into something that would be more helpful. It will for sure be a lot of hard work though and take awhile to get used to and change my mindset, and if it doesn't help, I don't know what will. The depression seems to be at the same point still, feeling down most of the time. It sorta helps a little to be around friends, but I still am having negative thoughts and feeling down. It's just a long process and a lot to take in and get used to. Change will be hard though.. it's not going to be easy. Doesn't seem like I've made much progress yet... yeah, I've seen the doctor, a dietitian and then a different dietitian at the emily program and also been seeing my therapist. But the med doesn't seem to be making much of a difference at all, and the dietitian doesn't seem to be making a difference either. So, just waiting right now and seeing what will happen and what will change and how things will go from there.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My story from the beginning
I have been trying to battle depression on my own since I first noticed feeling more down last Spring in 2011, I also started struggling with self-image and eating around that time too. I would eat less, and started losing weight. I didn't think it was a big deal because it was gradual weight loss but I thought that once it got below a certain point, that I would get help, but once it got below that point, I thought it was fine because I still felt healthy enough. I felt like I was a little fat and could still lose more weight even though I was underweight already.
Throughout this all, only a couple close friends knew what was going on, and also my former small group leader from church. The depression continued to get worse and towards the end of December, I started cutting for the first time. A friend of mine was worried about me and didn't want me to go down the same path that she previously had, so she got my mom's phone number and called her to tell her about the cutting. Before she had called her, I tried giving any excuse for her to change her mind, I said that I didn't think I would cut again, that my parents would freak out and be mad, that they wouldn't understand, etc. I was really upset and scared about how my parents would react, but later I started to realize that she told them because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me, and I found out that my parents weren't actually mad, they seemed more concerned and caring. But they didn't know the whole story, they didn't know about the depressive feelings, weight loss, and eating struggles that I had been hiding from them for around 7 months at the time. So, I went to my former small group leader for advice. She is a dietitian and works with people who have eating disorders almost everyday so she was able to help me understand that aspect a little bit. She strongly recommended that I tell my parents what else was going on, but I was still sorta in overwhelmed and nervous about them finding out about the cutting, it's a hard subject to talk about, especially to my parents because I have been hiding it from them for so long and I was scared of how they'd react and of disappointing them, also I was scared of getting help because I didn't know what to expect or if anything would even help. So, I gave her my mom's number and we agreed for her to call my mom the next day when I would be at work, to make it less nerve-racking since I wouldn't be there when my mom found out. She really helped my mom understand what was going on more and I found that my mom wanted to help, I was just nervous to get help.
I started to cut again 2 more times. A few weeks later, I found out that my parents had scheduled me to see a Christian therapist. I was super nervous at first. I first met with my therapist in mid-January. The first appointment, I filled out questionnaires about the depression and then I met with my therapist, I was able to be open with her and although I was scared to tell her, I told her about the cutting, and feeling down a lot, and eating less. She asked me questions about that and I answered them honestly.
I have been seeing my therapist weekly, and towards the end of January, she recommended that I see a doctor to see how things are going. A few close friends had also recommended that I see a doctor, but I was nervous. I talked to a few close friends about that and they urged me to see a doctor also, so that day I texted my mom while she was at work and told her that my therapist thought I should see a doctor, and she agreed and made an appt. for me. I was nervous about how it would go. When I went, they took my weight and the doctor said that she was very concerned about my weight because it was low. I was diagnosed with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that. She also referred me to see the dietitian at my clinic for help with the eating and weight. A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian there, she made a meal plan for me but I wasn't able to follow it because it seemed like too much and I was afraid of gaining weight. Within a week, I started cutting again. I told my therapist and since my parents didn't know, she had to tell them even though I'm 19 years old, for safety reason and because she was concerned. We talked about the eating struggles and how I don't want to gain weight, etc. She thought that I had a pretty intense eating disorder. A few of my close friends also thought I had an eating disorder. But I still didn't think it was a problem, or maybe I was just in denial. She told my parents about a treatment program for eating disorders called the Emily Program and gave a referral for me to go there. Later that week, I went there and did an assessment, then the following week I went back and got a treatment plan. They are letting me stay with my current therapist and continue seeing her once a week instead of having a new therapist at the Emily Program. They also are having me meet with a dietitian at the program once a week and also continue to see my doctor for the meds. The dietitian had set up a meal plan for me similar to the one that the last dietitian at my clinic had me try, but I found that I couldn't really follow the meal plan though, it seemed like too much, and when I gained a couple pounds even, I would get upset and just want to lose it again. This past week the depression got worse, I started cutting again 2 days in a row, I felt fat, I was overwhelmed and having negative thoughts. I saw my dietitian again yesterday and told her that I felt like the meal plan was too much at once and she is having me try out the meal plan for just one of the meals for at least 3 days this week, so I'll see how that goes. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my therapist and I'll be discussing what happened this week. Not sure what will happen after that since I started cutting again and more. Hopefully the treatment with the eating disorder will work out better, I might need to go into one of the more intensive programs. Just nervous about how things will go..
If it weren't for those close friends, I don't know where I'd be right now, honestly I don't think I'd be getting help if it weren't for them.
Throughout this all, only a couple close friends knew what was going on, and also my former small group leader from church. The depression continued to get worse and towards the end of December, I started cutting for the first time. A friend of mine was worried about me and didn't want me to go down the same path that she previously had, so she got my mom's phone number and called her to tell her about the cutting. Before she had called her, I tried giving any excuse for her to change her mind, I said that I didn't think I would cut again, that my parents would freak out and be mad, that they wouldn't understand, etc. I was really upset and scared about how my parents would react, but later I started to realize that she told them because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me, and I found out that my parents weren't actually mad, they seemed more concerned and caring. But they didn't know the whole story, they didn't know about the depressive feelings, weight loss, and eating struggles that I had been hiding from them for around 7 months at the time. So, I went to my former small group leader for advice. She is a dietitian and works with people who have eating disorders almost everyday so she was able to help me understand that aspect a little bit. She strongly recommended that I tell my parents what else was going on, but I was still sorta in overwhelmed and nervous about them finding out about the cutting, it's a hard subject to talk about, especially to my parents because I have been hiding it from them for so long and I was scared of how they'd react and of disappointing them, also I was scared of getting help because I didn't know what to expect or if anything would even help. So, I gave her my mom's number and we agreed for her to call my mom the next day when I would be at work, to make it less nerve-racking since I wouldn't be there when my mom found out. She really helped my mom understand what was going on more and I found that my mom wanted to help, I was just nervous to get help.
I started to cut again 2 more times. A few weeks later, I found out that my parents had scheduled me to see a Christian therapist. I was super nervous at first. I first met with my therapist in mid-January. The first appointment, I filled out questionnaires about the depression and then I met with my therapist, I was able to be open with her and although I was scared to tell her, I told her about the cutting, and feeling down a lot, and eating less. She asked me questions about that and I answered them honestly.
I have been seeing my therapist weekly, and towards the end of January, she recommended that I see a doctor to see how things are going. A few close friends had also recommended that I see a doctor, but I was nervous. I talked to a few close friends about that and they urged me to see a doctor also, so that day I texted my mom while she was at work and told her that my therapist thought I should see a doctor, and she agreed and made an appt. for me. I was nervous about how it would go. When I went, they took my weight and the doctor said that she was very concerned about my weight because it was low. I was diagnosed with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that. She also referred me to see the dietitian at my clinic for help with the eating and weight. A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian there, she made a meal plan for me but I wasn't able to follow it because it seemed like too much and I was afraid of gaining weight. Within a week, I started cutting again. I told my therapist and since my parents didn't know, she had to tell them even though I'm 19 years old, for safety reason and because she was concerned. We talked about the eating struggles and how I don't want to gain weight, etc. She thought that I had a pretty intense eating disorder. A few of my close friends also thought I had an eating disorder. But I still didn't think it was a problem, or maybe I was just in denial. She told my parents about a treatment program for eating disorders called the Emily Program and gave a referral for me to go there. Later that week, I went there and did an assessment, then the following week I went back and got a treatment plan. They are letting me stay with my current therapist and continue seeing her once a week instead of having a new therapist at the Emily Program. They also are having me meet with a dietitian at the program once a week and also continue to see my doctor for the meds. The dietitian had set up a meal plan for me similar to the one that the last dietitian at my clinic had me try, but I found that I couldn't really follow the meal plan though, it seemed like too much, and when I gained a couple pounds even, I would get upset and just want to lose it again. This past week the depression got worse, I started cutting again 2 days in a row, I felt fat, I was overwhelmed and having negative thoughts. I saw my dietitian again yesterday and told her that I felt like the meal plan was too much at once and she is having me try out the meal plan for just one of the meals for at least 3 days this week, so I'll see how that goes. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my therapist and I'll be discussing what happened this week. Not sure what will happen after that since I started cutting again and more. Hopefully the treatment with the eating disorder will work out better, I might need to go into one of the more intensive programs. Just nervous about how things will go..
If it weren't for those close friends, I don't know where I'd be right now, honestly I don't think I'd be getting help if it weren't for them.
Monday, March 19, 2012
A turn for the worst
Well, this past week sure has been rough. I had a relapse with the cutting, and this time was kinda worse than the past times, and also happened a couple days in a row. It's a constant struggle, trying to resist the urge.
The depression started to get worse and I was constantly feeling down most of the time, also felt sorta fat, overwhelmed, and was having negative thoughts.I'm not sure if the appt's at the Emily Program are helping much at least the treatment plan that I have there. I am currently just seeing a dietitian there once a week. They made a meal plan for me but it was too hard for me to follow and just seemed like to much. Since that didn't work, she is having me focus on the meal plan for just one meal and try to stick to that for at least 3 days this week. And if that doesn't work still, maybe try to check into the more intensive treatment programs that they have to offer there. Because I really don't think just changing my eating habits will change my whole mindset or get rid of the eating disorder because if I gain just a little bit of weight, it makes me feel overwhelmed and just want to lose it. I know that this is sort of a problem but for some reason I don't feel like it's that much of a problem because I feel like even though I'm underweight, I still feel healthy enough, and it doesn't seem severe to me. It's hard for me to know that I have an eating disorder or a problem because when I think of girls with eating disorder, I think of girls that are a lot thinner, I don't even feel very thin, even though others may disagree. I feel like I'm not thin enough, I guess, like that I could lose a few more pounds and still be fine.
I find that I can really relate to this part of the lyrics to the song Cut, by Plumb:
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
Friday, March 16, 2012
Struggling
I feel so uncertain. I don't even know if I can continue to do this anymore. It seems like nothing will help anyways. I'm feeling more and more hopeless.
The dietitian I am seeing at the Emily Program made a meal plan for me but it's hard to stick to it, I fear gaining weight. I feel fine at my weight, maybe just lose a little more.. I don't really see it as a problem anyways. Everyday it seems like the depression doesn't get any better, even with the meds. I just feel miserable most of the time, it's a horrible feeling. I can't take it anymore, I just wish it would all end. I don't know what my family thinks about all this, or what they know. We don't really discuss it much, all I know is that my parents know but not sure what or if my siblings know. I feel like people would just treat me different or look at me differently if they knew everything that has been going on.
There are days where I wish I wasn't me, if I wasn't here, would anyone even care?
The dietitian I am seeing at the Emily Program made a meal plan for me but it's hard to stick to it, I fear gaining weight. I feel fine at my weight, maybe just lose a little more.. I don't really see it as a problem anyways. Everyday it seems like the depression doesn't get any better, even with the meds. I just feel miserable most of the time, it's a horrible feeling. I can't take it anymore, I just wish it would all end. I don't know what my family thinks about all this, or what they know. We don't really discuss it much, all I know is that my parents know but not sure what or if my siblings know. I feel like people would just treat me different or look at me differently if they knew everything that has been going on.
There are days where I wish I wasn't me, if I wasn't here, would anyone even care?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
:(
Well... honestly, I'm not doing too well right now. It's been a tough week. I've been feeling more depressed each day. Everyday has been a struggle. I am losing hope and lacking faith. I don't know how much longer I can go on, I can't keep pretending I'm okay because I'm not. Treatment for the eating disorder doesn't seem like it will work, I don't think I can do it. I don't feel like I'm progressing at all. I just want to give up, but I know I shouldn't... it just doesn't seem like anything is getting better though and when things do get a little better, things just start to get worse again, it never actually gets better.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Updates
Hey, I've decided to blog about my journey and things going on. I'll try to keep this updated.
A lot has happened in the past few months...
So, I have been feeling depressed since last spring of 2011 and I thought I could deal with it all on my own and didn't need help, I also started to eat less and started losing weight. Around November/December it started to get worse.
But it was gradual so I thought it was fine. Well, I guess I was wrong. The depression got worse and so did the weight loss, eating became a struggle and still is. Towards the end of December, I started to cut.
There were a few close friends in whom I confided in about what was going on and how I was feeling, one in particular that was there since the beginning of it all. I never thought it would come to cutting but it did and I told one of my friends about it and she was concerned enough to let my mom know what had happened. At first I was upset but then I realized that she only did that because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me. But my parents still didn't know what else was going on, with the depression and eating less/losing weight. But it wasn't long until they found out what was going on from another friend. My first thoughts were that they wouldn't understand and would be upset or something, but they didn't act like they were upset. I wasn't sure if they understood though and still am not sure.
If I said that I stopped cutting after that, that would be a lie, because I have, but then I started going to a Christian therapist and things got a little bit better but slowly. It took awhile to feel comfortable going into therapy and I still am getting used to it, but I try to be as open as I can.
Numerous people, close friends, and my therapist, strongly recommended that I see a doctor to see if I'm healthy and if things are alright or not. I hesistated going but I asked my mom about going to see a doctor and she made an appointment for me. I was nervous about going but I knew it was something I should do.
The appointment consisted of lots of questions and getting my height/weight checked. My doctor said she was concerned about my weight and recommended that I see the dietitian at the clinic. She also diagnosed me with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that.
A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian, who went over a meal plan for me and mentioned that if things got worse or if this didn't work out that I should check out the Emily Program, a treatment program for eating disorders, which my doctor, a couple friends, and my therapist, also mentioned.
A couple weeks ago, I went back to cutting again. I was also feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on, all the appointments, with eating, and also feeling more depressed. My therapist then gave me a refferal to the Emily Program. A few days later, I went to the Emily Program, and did an assessment. Then I went back the following week to meet with a therapist there to go over my assessment and figure out a treatment plan. They decided that I should stay with my current therapist and start out by seeing a dietitian at the Emily program weekly and if that doesn't work out good, then they will change my treatment plan to help me better. Last Monday, I met with the dietitian there and I made sure I was as open and honest with her as I could be, so that she could help me. I'm not sure if I will need more than that to help me get better, but I'll see how this goes and if I need more treatment then I'm hoping that goes well, but to be honest, I'm pretty nervous about this whole process, not sure how it will go, if it will work, and sorta hesitant about it overall.
My next appointment with the dietitian is on Monday, and on Tuesday I am meeting with my therapist.
Everyday is just a struggle though, with eating, feeling depressed, etc. I'm not even sure what my family thinks or knows about what's going on. I haven't told any of my siblings, but I'm sure they've noticed a change. My parents know but we don't really talk about it much, so I'm not sure if they understand much.
It's hard because I don't feel like I have an eating disorder, but I do. I don't eat a lot, I'm underweight but I feel like it's fine because I don't have serious health problems, or I feel like it's not as bad as some people's so I think it's fine.
I have been struggling in my faith throughout all of this, as things gradually got worse, my faith gradually weakened.
I don't know how long it will take to overcome this, or if I will ever actually overcome this. I know this can be a lifelong battle though.
Well, that's all for now... I'll try to keep this updated.
A lot has happened in the past few months...
So, I have been feeling depressed since last spring of 2011 and I thought I could deal with it all on my own and didn't need help, I also started to eat less and started losing weight. Around November/December it started to get worse.
But it was gradual so I thought it was fine. Well, I guess I was wrong. The depression got worse and so did the weight loss, eating became a struggle and still is. Towards the end of December, I started to cut.
There were a few close friends in whom I confided in about what was going on and how I was feeling, one in particular that was there since the beginning of it all. I never thought it would come to cutting but it did and I told one of my friends about it and she was concerned enough to let my mom know what had happened. At first I was upset but then I realized that she only did that because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me. But my parents still didn't know what else was going on, with the depression and eating less/losing weight. But it wasn't long until they found out what was going on from another friend. My first thoughts were that they wouldn't understand and would be upset or something, but they didn't act like they were upset. I wasn't sure if they understood though and still am not sure.
If I said that I stopped cutting after that, that would be a lie, because I have, but then I started going to a Christian therapist and things got a little bit better but slowly. It took awhile to feel comfortable going into therapy and I still am getting used to it, but I try to be as open as I can.
Numerous people, close friends, and my therapist, strongly recommended that I see a doctor to see if I'm healthy and if things are alright or not. I hesistated going but I asked my mom about going to see a doctor and she made an appointment for me. I was nervous about going but I knew it was something I should do.
The appointment consisted of lots of questions and getting my height/weight checked. My doctor said she was concerned about my weight and recommended that I see the dietitian at the clinic. She also diagnosed me with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that.
A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian, who went over a meal plan for me and mentioned that if things got worse or if this didn't work out that I should check out the Emily Program, a treatment program for eating disorders, which my doctor, a couple friends, and my therapist, also mentioned.
A couple weeks ago, I went back to cutting again. I was also feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on, all the appointments, with eating, and also feeling more depressed. My therapist then gave me a refferal to the Emily Program. A few days later, I went to the Emily Program, and did an assessment. Then I went back the following week to meet with a therapist there to go over my assessment and figure out a treatment plan. They decided that I should stay with my current therapist and start out by seeing a dietitian at the Emily program weekly and if that doesn't work out good, then they will change my treatment plan to help me better. Last Monday, I met with the dietitian there and I made sure I was as open and honest with her as I could be, so that she could help me. I'm not sure if I will need more than that to help me get better, but I'll see how this goes and if I need more treatment then I'm hoping that goes well, but to be honest, I'm pretty nervous about this whole process, not sure how it will go, if it will work, and sorta hesitant about it overall.
My next appointment with the dietitian is on Monday, and on Tuesday I am meeting with my therapist.
Everyday is just a struggle though, with eating, feeling depressed, etc. I'm not even sure what my family thinks or knows about what's going on. I haven't told any of my siblings, but I'm sure they've noticed a change. My parents know but we don't really talk about it much, so I'm not sure if they understand much.
It's hard because I don't feel like I have an eating disorder, but I do. I don't eat a lot, I'm underweight but I feel like it's fine because I don't have serious health problems, or I feel like it's not as bad as some people's so I think it's fine.
I have been struggling in my faith throughout all of this, as things gradually got worse, my faith gradually weakened.
I don't know how long it will take to overcome this, or if I will ever actually overcome this. I know this can be a lifelong battle though.
Well, that's all for now... I'll try to keep this updated.
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