to be honest...

Things haven't been easy to be honest. About 3 weeks ago, I got my med changed to a different one. The depression still hasn't seemed to be getting better though. I have been thinking about life a lot lately. Like, if I wasn't here would it even matter? I don't really want to die, just to numb the pain I feel. I haven't attempted suicide or anything, but I have thought of overdosing or something to numb the pain. I admit I have taken more pills than the bottle says to but not of my prescription pills, I've thought of doing that though. I didn't take so many that anything happened though, but I don't know if that will happen if I try that again. I haven't cut for 3 weeks. I have had the urge to but so far haven't gone back to that.
I am continuing to see my therapist for the depression, and just started seeing a therapist at the Emily Program as well as continuing to see the dietitian there. I wasn't really following through with the meal plan before so we starting to just focus on lunches more and planning lunches for the week. Today I tried it out but it seemed like too much so I didn't eat all of it. It just gives me anxiety and I feel like I will gain a bunch of weight since it's more than I'm used to eating. Also I am sorta fearful of gaining weight and would much rather lose a few pounds. I haven't really had any significant health issues so I don't see why my weight is a big deal to everyone. I feel like I'd be fine if I lost a few more pounds.
Things just feel so hopeless most of the time. It doesn't seem like things are even progressing.

Tough Week

This past week has been a little more difficult for me. It's been a struggle with the eating and also feeling more depressed. I went to the doctor on Thursday, got my med changed to a different one, so maybe that will make a difference, but not sure. There are a few things that have gone downhill with the eating and the depression. Just trying to take things day by day which isn't always easy because it's a lot to deal with and has been overwhelming.
Well that's all for now, I will continue to update.