I have been trying to battle depression on my own since I first noticed feeling more down last Spring in 2011, I also started struggling with self-image and eating around that time too. I would eat less, and started losing weight. I didn't think it was a big deal because it was gradual weight loss but I thought that once it got below a certain point, that I would get help, but once it got below that point, I thought it was fine because I still felt healthy enough. I felt like I was a little fat and could still lose more weight even though I was underweight already.
Throughout this all, only a couple close friends knew what was going on, and also my former small group leader from church. The depression continued to get worse and towards the end of December, I started cutting for the first time. A friend of mine was worried about me and didn't want me to go down the same path that she previously had, so she got my mom's phone number and called her to tell her about the cutting. Before she had called her, I tried giving any excuse for her to change her mind, I said that I didn't think I would cut again, that my parents would freak out and be mad, that they wouldn't understand, etc. I was really upset and scared about how my parents would react, but later I started to realize that she told them because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me, and I found out that my parents weren't actually mad, they seemed more concerned and caring. But they didn't know the whole story, they didn't know about the depressive feelings, weight loss, and eating struggles that I had been hiding from them for around 7 months at the time. So, I went to my former small group leader for advice. She is a dietitian and works with people who have eating disorders almost everyday so she was able to help me understand that aspect a little bit. She strongly recommended that I tell my parents what else was going on, but I was still sorta in overwhelmed and nervous about them finding out about the cutting, it's a hard subject to talk about, especially to my parents because I have been hiding it from them for so long and I was scared of how they'd react and of disappointing them, also I was scared of getting help because I didn't know what to expect or if anything would even help. So, I gave her my mom's number and we agreed for her to call my mom the next day when I would be at work, to make it less nerve-racking since I wouldn't be there when my mom found out. She really helped my mom understand what was going on more and I found that my mom wanted to help, I was just nervous to get help.
I started to cut again 2 more times. A few weeks later, I found out that my parents had scheduled me to see a Christian therapist. I was super nervous at first. I first met with my therapist in mid-January. The first appointment, I filled out questionnaires about the depression and then I met with my therapist, I was able to be open with her and although I was scared to tell her, I told her about the cutting, and feeling down a lot, and eating less. She asked me questions about that and I answered them honestly.
I have been seeing my therapist weekly, and towards the end of January, she recommended that I see a doctor to see how things are going. A few close friends had also recommended that I see a doctor, but I was nervous. I talked to a few close friends about that and they urged me to see a doctor also, so that day I texted my mom while she was at work and told her that my therapist thought I should see a doctor, and she agreed and made an appt. for me. I was nervous about how it would go. When I went, they took my weight and the doctor said that she was very concerned about my weight because it was low. I was diagnosed with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that. She also referred me to see the dietitian at my clinic for help with the eating and weight. A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian there, she made a meal plan for me but I wasn't able to follow it because it seemed like too much and I was afraid of gaining weight. Within a week, I started cutting again. I told my therapist and since my parents didn't know, she had to tell them even though I'm 19 years old, for safety reason and because she was concerned. We talked about the eating struggles and how I don't want to gain weight, etc. She thought that I had a pretty intense eating disorder. A few of my close friends also thought I had an eating disorder. But I still didn't think it was a problem, or maybe I was just in denial. She told my parents about a treatment program for eating disorders called the Emily Program and gave a referral for me to go there. Later that week, I went there and did an assessment, then the following week I went back and got a treatment plan. They are letting me stay with my current therapist and continue seeing her once a week instead of having a new therapist at the Emily Program. They also are having me meet with a dietitian at the program once a week and also continue to see my doctor for the meds. The dietitian had set up a meal plan for me similar to the one that the last dietitian at my clinic had me try, but I found that I couldn't really follow the meal plan though, it seemed like too much, and when I gained a couple pounds even, I would get upset and just want to lose it again. This past week the depression got worse, I started cutting again 2 days in a row, I felt fat, I was overwhelmed and having negative thoughts. I saw my dietitian again yesterday and told her that I felt like the meal plan was too much at once and she is having me try out the meal plan for just one of the meals for at least 3 days this week, so I'll see how that goes. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my therapist and I'll be discussing what happened this week. Not sure what will happen after that since I started cutting again and more. Hopefully the treatment with the eating disorder will work out better, I might need to go into one of the more intensive programs. Just nervous about how things will go..
If it weren't for those close friends, I don't know where I'd be right now, honestly I don't think I'd be getting help if it weren't for them.
No comments:
Post a Comment