Things haven't been easy to be honest. About 3 weeks ago, I got my med changed to a different one. The depression still hasn't seemed to be getting better though. I have been thinking about life a lot lately. Like, if I wasn't here would it even matter? I don't really want to die, just to numb the pain I feel. I haven't attempted suicide or anything, but I have thought of overdosing or something to numb the pain. I admit I have taken more pills than the bottle says to but not of my prescription pills, I've thought of doing that though. I didn't take so many that anything happened though, but I don't know if that will happen if I try that again. I haven't cut for 3 weeks. I have had the urge to but so far haven't gone back to that.
I am continuing to see my therapist for the depression, and just started seeing a therapist at the Emily Program as well as continuing to see the dietitian there. I wasn't really following through with the meal plan before so we starting to just focus on lunches more and planning lunches for the week. Today I tried it out but it seemed like too much so I didn't eat all of it. It just gives me anxiety and I feel like I will gain a bunch of weight since it's more than I'm used to eating. Also I am sorta fearful of gaining weight and would much rather lose a few pounds. I haven't really had any significant health issues so I don't see why my weight is a big deal to everyone. I feel like I'd be fine if I lost a few more pounds.
Things just feel so hopeless most of the time. It doesn't seem like things are even progressing.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Tough Week
This past week has been a little more difficult for me. It's been a struggle with the eating and also feeling more depressed. I went to the doctor on Thursday, got my med changed to a different one, so maybe that will make a difference, but not sure. There are a few things that have gone downhill with the eating and the depression. Just trying to take things day by day which isn't always easy because it's a lot to deal with and has been overwhelming.
Well that's all for now, I will continue to update.
Well that's all for now, I will continue to update.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Waiting Game..
So for now I'm just playing the waiting game.. Not sure what will happen next. Within the next week, I will be going to the doc to see if I can get my med changed or adjust the dosage. And about the eating... hasn't exactly gotten better.. I mean I still eat, but usually not much and when I do eat more, I feel guilty and worry about gaining weight. I sorta have an ideal weight that I'd like. I guess I just don't feel like I need to gain weight, it's hard to explain, but if I gain a few pounds, I sorta get disappointed. Hopefully I can benefit more from The Emily Program and get into something that would be more helpful. It will for sure be a lot of hard work though and take awhile to get used to and change my mindset, and if it doesn't help, I don't know what will. The depression seems to be at the same point still, feeling down most of the time. It sorta helps a little to be around friends, but I still am having negative thoughts and feeling down. It's just a long process and a lot to take in and get used to. Change will be hard though.. it's not going to be easy. Doesn't seem like I've made much progress yet... yeah, I've seen the doctor, a dietitian and then a different dietitian at the emily program and also been seeing my therapist. But the med doesn't seem to be making much of a difference at all, and the dietitian doesn't seem to be making a difference either. So, just waiting right now and seeing what will happen and what will change and how things will go from there.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My story from the beginning
I have been trying to battle depression on my own since I first noticed feeling more down last Spring in 2011, I also started struggling with self-image and eating around that time too. I would eat less, and started losing weight. I didn't think it was a big deal because it was gradual weight loss but I thought that once it got below a certain point, that I would get help, but once it got below that point, I thought it was fine because I still felt healthy enough. I felt like I was a little fat and could still lose more weight even though I was underweight already.
Throughout this all, only a couple close friends knew what was going on, and also my former small group leader from church. The depression continued to get worse and towards the end of December, I started cutting for the first time. A friend of mine was worried about me and didn't want me to go down the same path that she previously had, so she got my mom's phone number and called her to tell her about the cutting. Before she had called her, I tried giving any excuse for her to change her mind, I said that I didn't think I would cut again, that my parents would freak out and be mad, that they wouldn't understand, etc. I was really upset and scared about how my parents would react, but later I started to realize that she told them because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me, and I found out that my parents weren't actually mad, they seemed more concerned and caring. But they didn't know the whole story, they didn't know about the depressive feelings, weight loss, and eating struggles that I had been hiding from them for around 7 months at the time. So, I went to my former small group leader for advice. She is a dietitian and works with people who have eating disorders almost everyday so she was able to help me understand that aspect a little bit. She strongly recommended that I tell my parents what else was going on, but I was still sorta in overwhelmed and nervous about them finding out about the cutting, it's a hard subject to talk about, especially to my parents because I have been hiding it from them for so long and I was scared of how they'd react and of disappointing them, also I was scared of getting help because I didn't know what to expect or if anything would even help. So, I gave her my mom's number and we agreed for her to call my mom the next day when I would be at work, to make it less nerve-racking since I wouldn't be there when my mom found out. She really helped my mom understand what was going on more and I found that my mom wanted to help, I was just nervous to get help.
I started to cut again 2 more times. A few weeks later, I found out that my parents had scheduled me to see a Christian therapist. I was super nervous at first. I first met with my therapist in mid-January. The first appointment, I filled out questionnaires about the depression and then I met with my therapist, I was able to be open with her and although I was scared to tell her, I told her about the cutting, and feeling down a lot, and eating less. She asked me questions about that and I answered them honestly.
I have been seeing my therapist weekly, and towards the end of January, she recommended that I see a doctor to see how things are going. A few close friends had also recommended that I see a doctor, but I was nervous. I talked to a few close friends about that and they urged me to see a doctor also, so that day I texted my mom while she was at work and told her that my therapist thought I should see a doctor, and she agreed and made an appt. for me. I was nervous about how it would go. When I went, they took my weight and the doctor said that she was very concerned about my weight because it was low. I was diagnosed with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that. She also referred me to see the dietitian at my clinic for help with the eating and weight. A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian there, she made a meal plan for me but I wasn't able to follow it because it seemed like too much and I was afraid of gaining weight. Within a week, I started cutting again. I told my therapist and since my parents didn't know, she had to tell them even though I'm 19 years old, for safety reason and because she was concerned. We talked about the eating struggles and how I don't want to gain weight, etc. She thought that I had a pretty intense eating disorder. A few of my close friends also thought I had an eating disorder. But I still didn't think it was a problem, or maybe I was just in denial. She told my parents about a treatment program for eating disorders called the Emily Program and gave a referral for me to go there. Later that week, I went there and did an assessment, then the following week I went back and got a treatment plan. They are letting me stay with my current therapist and continue seeing her once a week instead of having a new therapist at the Emily Program. They also are having me meet with a dietitian at the program once a week and also continue to see my doctor for the meds. The dietitian had set up a meal plan for me similar to the one that the last dietitian at my clinic had me try, but I found that I couldn't really follow the meal plan though, it seemed like too much, and when I gained a couple pounds even, I would get upset and just want to lose it again. This past week the depression got worse, I started cutting again 2 days in a row, I felt fat, I was overwhelmed and having negative thoughts. I saw my dietitian again yesterday and told her that I felt like the meal plan was too much at once and she is having me try out the meal plan for just one of the meals for at least 3 days this week, so I'll see how that goes. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my therapist and I'll be discussing what happened this week. Not sure what will happen after that since I started cutting again and more. Hopefully the treatment with the eating disorder will work out better, I might need to go into one of the more intensive programs. Just nervous about how things will go..
If it weren't for those close friends, I don't know where I'd be right now, honestly I don't think I'd be getting help if it weren't for them.
Throughout this all, only a couple close friends knew what was going on, and also my former small group leader from church. The depression continued to get worse and towards the end of December, I started cutting for the first time. A friend of mine was worried about me and didn't want me to go down the same path that she previously had, so she got my mom's phone number and called her to tell her about the cutting. Before she had called her, I tried giving any excuse for her to change her mind, I said that I didn't think I would cut again, that my parents would freak out and be mad, that they wouldn't understand, etc. I was really upset and scared about how my parents would react, but later I started to realize that she told them because she cared and didn't want anything bad happening to me, and I found out that my parents weren't actually mad, they seemed more concerned and caring. But they didn't know the whole story, they didn't know about the depressive feelings, weight loss, and eating struggles that I had been hiding from them for around 7 months at the time. So, I went to my former small group leader for advice. She is a dietitian and works with people who have eating disorders almost everyday so she was able to help me understand that aspect a little bit. She strongly recommended that I tell my parents what else was going on, but I was still sorta in overwhelmed and nervous about them finding out about the cutting, it's a hard subject to talk about, especially to my parents because I have been hiding it from them for so long and I was scared of how they'd react and of disappointing them, also I was scared of getting help because I didn't know what to expect or if anything would even help. So, I gave her my mom's number and we agreed for her to call my mom the next day when I would be at work, to make it less nerve-racking since I wouldn't be there when my mom found out. She really helped my mom understand what was going on more and I found that my mom wanted to help, I was just nervous to get help.
I started to cut again 2 more times. A few weeks later, I found out that my parents had scheduled me to see a Christian therapist. I was super nervous at first. I first met with my therapist in mid-January. The first appointment, I filled out questionnaires about the depression and then I met with my therapist, I was able to be open with her and although I was scared to tell her, I told her about the cutting, and feeling down a lot, and eating less. She asked me questions about that and I answered them honestly.
I have been seeing my therapist weekly, and towards the end of January, she recommended that I see a doctor to see how things are going. A few close friends had also recommended that I see a doctor, but I was nervous. I talked to a few close friends about that and they urged me to see a doctor also, so that day I texted my mom while she was at work and told her that my therapist thought I should see a doctor, and she agreed and made an appt. for me. I was nervous about how it would go. When I went, they took my weight and the doctor said that she was very concerned about my weight because it was low. I was diagnosed with moderate depression and prescribed a medication for that. She also referred me to see the dietitian at my clinic for help with the eating and weight. A couple weeks later, I met with the dietitian there, she made a meal plan for me but I wasn't able to follow it because it seemed like too much and I was afraid of gaining weight. Within a week, I started cutting again. I told my therapist and since my parents didn't know, she had to tell them even though I'm 19 years old, for safety reason and because she was concerned. We talked about the eating struggles and how I don't want to gain weight, etc. She thought that I had a pretty intense eating disorder. A few of my close friends also thought I had an eating disorder. But I still didn't think it was a problem, or maybe I was just in denial. She told my parents about a treatment program for eating disorders called the Emily Program and gave a referral for me to go there. Later that week, I went there and did an assessment, then the following week I went back and got a treatment plan. They are letting me stay with my current therapist and continue seeing her once a week instead of having a new therapist at the Emily Program. They also are having me meet with a dietitian at the program once a week and also continue to see my doctor for the meds. The dietitian had set up a meal plan for me similar to the one that the last dietitian at my clinic had me try, but I found that I couldn't really follow the meal plan though, it seemed like too much, and when I gained a couple pounds even, I would get upset and just want to lose it again. This past week the depression got worse, I started cutting again 2 days in a row, I felt fat, I was overwhelmed and having negative thoughts. I saw my dietitian again yesterday and told her that I felt like the meal plan was too much at once and she is having me try out the meal plan for just one of the meals for at least 3 days this week, so I'll see how that goes. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my therapist and I'll be discussing what happened this week. Not sure what will happen after that since I started cutting again and more. Hopefully the treatment with the eating disorder will work out better, I might need to go into one of the more intensive programs. Just nervous about how things will go..
If it weren't for those close friends, I don't know where I'd be right now, honestly I don't think I'd be getting help if it weren't for them.
Monday, March 19, 2012
A turn for the worst
Well, this past week sure has been rough. I had a relapse with the cutting, and this time was kinda worse than the past times, and also happened a couple days in a row. It's a constant struggle, trying to resist the urge.
The depression started to get worse and I was constantly feeling down most of the time, also felt sorta fat, overwhelmed, and was having negative thoughts.I'm not sure if the appt's at the Emily Program are helping much at least the treatment plan that I have there. I am currently just seeing a dietitian there once a week. They made a meal plan for me but it was too hard for me to follow and just seemed like to much. Since that didn't work, she is having me focus on the meal plan for just one meal and try to stick to that for at least 3 days this week. And if that doesn't work still, maybe try to check into the more intensive treatment programs that they have to offer there. Because I really don't think just changing my eating habits will change my whole mindset or get rid of the eating disorder because if I gain just a little bit of weight, it makes me feel overwhelmed and just want to lose it. I know that this is sort of a problem but for some reason I don't feel like it's that much of a problem because I feel like even though I'm underweight, I still feel healthy enough, and it doesn't seem severe to me. It's hard for me to know that I have an eating disorder or a problem because when I think of girls with eating disorder, I think of girls that are a lot thinner, I don't even feel very thin, even though others may disagree. I feel like I'm not thin enough, I guess, like that I could lose a few more pounds and still be fine.
I find that I can really relate to this part of the lyrics to the song Cut, by Plumb:
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
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